Learning By The Way

I went without being pregnant for 11 months. This is by far the longest stretch in my married life without carrying a baby. We must be getting better at that pesky birth control thing. I believe large numbers of people go through the annoying birth control process to stop having children. Hard to imagine putting up with something so bothersome to prevent something so beautiful as a child. But obviously, that’s just me. We only did it to stop having miscarriages, which have come to feel rather inevitable.

 

When I realized I needed to take a pregnancy test, and it took a few days to get around to buying one, I realized I would feel disappointed if it was negative. I didn’t have to be disappointed. I passed the pregnancy test. Now the emotional trip to the knowing starts.

 

For the hard part is the wait through the first trimester to discover whether this baby is one to be held and loved by the family that wants him so much, or whether his soul is destined to go Home before his eyelids are formed to close in sleep.

 

First I was sure something was wrong. After I saw his heart beating on the sonogram, I was sure everything was going to be alright. Now, after some troubling moments and starting to pop the pretty pink pills the doctor has prescribed, I don’t know. I won’t know until I know. And that’s okay. Maybe I’m getting used to the fact that I’m not God, after all.

I hope the baby dance goes right through the nausea and tiredness part into the golden 2nd trimester. I hope the music keeps playing right through the beached whale 3rd trimester, safely into the birth dance. But that is not for me to know until I know. I just hear the music and take the next step. It’s a wonderful world.